No More Menopause For Me, Peeps

Attention anybody and everybody who bothers reading my posts on Mondays because you like to know just how poorly I'm handling menopause day in and day out! I won't be posting Menopause Madness Mondays anymore. As some of you may already know, I've recently been informed that I am not menopausal. I am depressed. Good to know, huh? I mean, wow, if the doctor hadn't told me I was depressed, I might have mistaken those night sweats and hot flashes for more phantom symptoms of perimenopause and geez, wouldn't want to do that, now would I? So in an effort to get my hypochondria under control and to perk myself up out of my newly diagnosed depression, I will no longer jabber on and on about my faux menopause. Instead, I plan to go sit in a corner and contemplate the many sad little facets of depression that I must learn to deal with...you know...stuff like the heart palpitations, the anxiety, the mood swings, the brittle nails, the tender boobs and of course, those old "depression standards", the aforementioned night sweats and hot flashes. I mean, yeah, sure...I was already dealing with all of those things, but that was when I thought they were the result of the "Big M". Now that I know it's really depression that's got me all twisted up, well now, that's just a whole different ball game, isn't it? I've got to re-think everything, obviously! For example, I simply must learn to stop smiling and laughing every day...because it kind of makes this depression condition seem more like a bi-polar disorder, you know what I mean?

And This is Exactly Why I Hate Going to the Doctor...

My regular gynecologist has retired. Just when I was getting used to him, too. Okay, so I wasn't really getting used to him, but I was at least getting a tad bit more comfortable with him. And the jerk up and retired. Geez. Well, a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do. So this woman found a new doctor. I had to, you know. My HRT prescription was up and I needed a check up and, hopefully, a refill. How'd it go, you ask? Let's just say....I ain't happy. At all. Not in the least little, bitty bit. First of all, this new doctor looks like he's about, oh I don't know...12 years old. Second of all, I'm almost certain that he has never actually dealt with menopause. In fact, I'm thinking the majority of his experience (such as it is) must be on the OB side of OB/GYN. I'm further thinking that what little information he has gleaned regarding menopause, was taught to him by an institution that specialized in the "Women Should Be Seen and Not Heard" way of thinking. I say this because, while I know that this guy saw me, I can just about guarantee that he damn well didn't hear me. He asked me a bunch of questions, sure. But I feel like he only heard what he wanted to hear. Let me just list the issues I told him were affecting me...

• indigestion
• trouble sleeping, waking in the middle of the night for no reason
• weight gain
• back ache
• breast tenderness
• irritability
• irregular heart beat
• headaches
• tingling in my fingertips
• hot flashes
• sudden fatigue
• bloated feeling

And his diagnosis? Why it's obvious, of course...I'm suffering from.........depression. I'm not going through menopause. No, no, no. I'm more than likely just depressed. Depressed? Are you freakin' kidding me???? You probably could have parked a '57 Chevy in my mouth when he said that because I know it was hanging wide open at that point. I'm depressed and not menopausal? Well...yippee! Except... I believe I've mentioned in my blog before that I've actually suffered from depression in the past (The '90's were kind of rough in places!). And while I've been feeling a little tense, a little teary eyed, a little tired...I have not been feeling depressed. But. He's the doctor, right? So I listened to what he had to say. He thinks that, at age 44, I'm simply too young to be menopausal. (I should be flattered that someone thinks I'm too young for anything, huh?). And that was pretty much his only argument for my not being menopausal. His arguments for my being depressed instead? Well let's see...I'm tired a lot. Boy, he's got me there. But I figured it was because I was waking up at 3:00 in the morning 3 and 4 times a week. But alas, he feels the sleeping issues are an indication of depression, as well, although I guess that waking up feeling like I'm being roasted alive is mainly due to my being nutso because that doesn't really fit into the "depressed" mold he was trying to build. Oh and my weight gain. Well, first of all, according to Doctor Twelve-Year-Old, I haven't gained much weight in the past 10 months. I've only packed on around 15 pounds. Big deal. And it's probably because I'm over-eating because I'm depressed. Huh. So the fact that I changed my eating habits - started eating 5 small meals a day, stopped snacking late at night, gave up the 2 liter bottle of coke I was drinking every day - and I didn't lose an ounce, wasn't relevant. Repeat after me...I'm overeating because I'm depressed. Denial of that fact is, apparently, futile. I mean I've said it over and over and over again to myself and I still don't buy it, but the doc says it's true so it must be, right? Okay. Anything else, I ask? Well, I probably should be off the Hormone Replacement Therapy and on birth control pills instead. And why is that, Doc? To regulate my cycles, of course. Oh. You mean the cycles that are practically non-existent now and, while not exactly regular, consist more of "spotting" than anything else? Yeah, those cycles. You see, the birth control bills contain more hormones so I'll be better off taking them. What? Okay, I'll be honest...at this point, I knew that he and I were not going to be friends. It seemed that he was trying to fit my symptoms to meet his diagnoses rather than trying to diagnose me based on my symptoms. The indigestion, the breast tenderness, the hot flashes, the tingling, the headaches, the irregular heartbeat? He completely ignored those symptoms. The fact that my blood pressure was higher than normal? That didn't concern him either. My BP was 152/92. The nurse seemed concerned. The doctor? Not so much. Oh and, while I'm so obviously depressed, I'm not depressed enough to be medicated just yet. No, no. Let's just wait until December, shall we? In the meantime, I should keep taking the Crestor for my cholesterol (which hasn't been checked in almost a year). And when I run out of my HRT in a couple of weeks, well...I'm just out of them. Period. We'll talk birth control pills in December. So. How do I really feel about the new doctor, you may very well ask? I feel like he should carry his *ss on back to medical school and take the course that has to do with "not all women are depressed when they say they're tired and not sleeping well". I feel like he should also have to take a "comprehension" exam to see just exactly how well he listens. And once he receives his failing grade from that exam, I think he should sign up for yet one more much-needed class at an accredited medical school of his choice. And then maybe he should look into finding an experienced partner to open up an OB/GYN practice with because, quite frankly, I don't actually see him making it on his own. I will begin my search for a new doctor post haste. (Oh and just to show how vindictive I can truly be...I hope this quack packs on about 15 pounds in the next 10 months so that I can stop by his office (asuming he still has one!) sometime next August maybe and ask him..."What's the matter? Feeling depressed, Doc?".

Menopause Madness Mondays and Halloween Pictures...Practically a Match Made in Heaven!

It's Monday! I've been really bad the past two Mondays about the Menopause Madness post, but I think I'm back on track. I was trying to think of what to say in this post and started to wonder if maybe I wasn't running out of steam about the joys of menopause. I don't want to sound like a broken record. In fact, I'd like to come up with some positive things to write about menopause, but thus far, I'm drawing a blank on that one. Ain't nothin' makin' me happy about menopause, I gotta tell 'ya. So what's my current biggest gripe about this particular little wonder of nature? Well, I'll tell you. It's the weight gain. I've packed on a few pounds this year. Oh, who am I kidding? I've packed on a lot of pounds this year. I can't tell you exactly how many because I refuse to come within 30 feet of a scale. This is absolutely ridiculous, demoralizing and just plain humiliating. I've gone up 2, count 'em 2, pant sizes since this time last year! I can't even begin to explain the joys of being grossly overweight and having hot flashes at the same time. Talk about good times. Just last night, I slept with the ceiling fan on, the stand fan on (2 feet away from me and pointed directly at my torso) as well as the air turned down. And I still felt like I was baking alive. I'm about 3 degrees away from emptying my freezer and standing in it myself. (I'm kidding, of course. My fridge/freezer is a side by side. No way I'd fit in just the freezer section!). But I've got my eye on this jumbo size cooler at Wal-Mart that I think will do nicely....
How about you guys? Anybody else suffering from weight gain and horrific heat? Or am I all alone is this misery? Come on, peeps...tell me I'm not alone!

Moving on (before I get so worked up that I spontaneously combust!).... Since Halloween is creeping up on us, I thought I'd post a few pictures every now and then of my kids Halloween costumes over the years.

These three pictures were taken in 1991. Nicholas was Dracula, obviously. Yeah, we had a hard time convincing him that the Count actually wore jeans, but I think he turned out looking pretty flippin' cool!
This is Desiree' as a clown (duh, right?). She was adorable. I have to say, we made a lot of our kids' costumes. We had to. We couldn't afford to buy them all a store bought outfit every year. Back in 1991, Nick was the "lucky" one. We bought his cape. That was pretty much the extent of our Halloween Costume Budget for that year. lol This clown costume is one that we made. You guys already know I don't sew. Can anybody guess how this costume was held together? Good old hot glue, of course. lol We had a heck of a time getting her into it without tearing the "seams". By the end of the night, she had so many safety pins holding this thing together that she never could have made it through a metal detector. But man, she was cute, wasn't she?
And here's little Kaleb (I was pregnant with Jake...no pictures of him this year!). It seems so clear to me, but maybe I should explain, just in case anyone out there can't tell...Kaleb was dressed as a bag of M&M's. (We thought we were so clever! ha) The sides of his costume were hot glued, too, but I did use fabric glue to hold on the lettering. I'm not a total moron, you know. lol

Duh-Filled Questions

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time to say hello, good-bye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late...

Sorry all you Menopausal Wild Women! I wasn't able to do my post yesterday, due to family obligations (that sounds so flippin' serious, doesn't it?). My dad and step-mother have been visiting since Friday afternoon. They had to head back to Oklahoma this morning. And my sister and her husband have been visiting from Florida since Saturday (they'll be here until this Sunday). Anywho, they have requested that I focus on them during this time instead of my blog (yeah, how inconsiderate is that?) but they are now watching a movie so I'm grabbing my chance while I can. So, since time is apparently of the essence (the movie only last 90 minutes you know!), let's get started...

The other day, Randey and I were discussing his lack of tender loving care towards moi. Okay, so I was discussing it and Randey was standing there with his eyes wide and frightened and generally acting like a deer caught in the headlights. He can be such a goob and I am so sick and tired of seeing that look on his face, you just have no idea! At any rate, there I was, explaining to him with great care and patience and yeah, maybe a little too much volume, that I required much love and assistance with this trying time in my life (i.e, this menopausal hell I find myself in). In the middle of my ...rant, for lack of a better word, Randey speaks up (like that was asked for) and said "Well what the hell is that anyway? What is menopause? I don't even know what that means! How long does it last? What's the next step?". Hello!!! Do I look like freakin' Dr. Phil? Or even Dr. Ruth? (Uh, excuse me, those questions are what we call "rhetorical" and therefore, do not require an answer, thankyouverymuch). However. The fact that he had the unmitigated gall to ask me required that I give him some sort of answers. Unfortunately for my know-it-all-attitude, I was quite unable to produce intelligent sounding answers on such short notice. Oh shut up. You probably would have choked, too. Wouldn't you have? Say yes so we can move on with my dignity in tact. Good. Thank you. Moving on....

So for those of us out there who weren't sure of the difference between being "menopausal" and being "peri-menopausal", listen up. The difference is this; Menopause actually begins when your periods stop. Peri-menopause is what a women experiences prior to menopause. And while peri-menopause is the time when you experience all those wonderful symptoms we've discussed in the past, those symptoms can actually continue to occur for many, many years after the cessation of your period. Exciting stuff, huh? And, just when you thought it was safe to call yourself human again, let me share this little tidbit with you....no one can tell just how long peri-menopausal symptoms will last. It varies widely from woman to woman. Yippee! And the next step? Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha. (I'm laughing hysterically.) Next step, indeed. Let me clarify this point for the uninitiated...peri-menopausal symptoms don't really come in steps. They just happen. One at a time. Or all at the same time. There's no rules. There's no rhyme. There's no reason (other than a woman's body up and decides that her birthing years are coming to an end).

So, to summarize today's lesson, ladies, let me break it down for you like this: Menopause, peri-menopause...call it what you like. Doesn't change these facts. It ain't pleasant. It ain't quick. And it ain't easy. And when your husband asks for "clarification" about all that you're trying to share with him, just remember this: A man is just as capable of doing internet research as you are. And if he really, really cares about you...he won't waste your time asking goofy, duh-filled questions when he can find the answers himself and it's obvious that you have much better things to be spending your time on. Things like timing your hot flashes and watching your weight climb at the rate of about 16 pounds per split second and recording your mood swings on a bar graph just because you like the look of a giant zig-zag and wadding up all the kleenex you've gone through while crying because your husband isn't as sensitive and loving as perhaps he should be and etc., etc., etc....

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Off the Edge I Go...

A Padded Room and Some Chocolate. Is That Asking For Too Much?

I had a bit of an epiphany bright and early this morning. Yeah, brace yourself. It's a stunner. Here goes....Doesn't menopause closely resemble mental illness at times? I'm not kidding and I'm not being facetious and/or sarcastic. I've had about 3 days that, were it not for the fact I'm afflicted with menopause at this particular time in my life, I believe could have qualified me for a short, pleasant, drug worthy stay in my local looney bin. It all started Saturday morning. We got up, things were bopping right along, we had plans to take the boys to a movie later in the day. But first, we needed their help to rearrange our bedroom. I was in a splendid mood. Smiling, dancing about, even did a little out of tune singing for every one's listening pleasure. And then it happened. Jake looked at Kaleb, Kaleb looked at Jake, they both started laughing and nodding frantically at each other...turns out they were making fun of me! Yes. They were. They admitted it. They both thought they were funnnnnnny boys - pointing fingers at me, saying I was acting like I was "high". High! Me! Their mother. Well, that's pretty much all it took. The next thing I know, I'm standing in the closet crying my eyes out because I'm old, ugly, my kids are making fun of me, I'm middle aged, I'm fatter than Jabba, my hair's still gray because that stupid, stupid hairdresser didn't think maintaining a schedule was important enough to get to me at the appointed time....It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. Worse than that, I was being m-e-n-t-a-l. Randey, looking at me like I was a disturbing and possibly hysterical freak, sort of patted me on my head, assured me all was well, explained that the boys thought they were laughing with me, not at me, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Thirty minutes later, I was fine. We finished moving the furniture, got everything together and head to the mall. Things went along just fine until I had to stop and use the restroom. Jacob had to go, too, so we walked all the way down this long, long corridor to where the mall restrooms were hidden. We go into our separate facilities. I did my business, came out and waited for Jacob. And waited. And then waited a little more. Finally, thinking I needed to go get Randey to go into the men's room to make sure Jake was okay, I head back up the long, long corridor to the main part of the mall. And who was standing there, laughing and joking with his dad and his brother? Jacob. Guess he didn't feel the need to wait for dear old Mom. I glared at him and mentioned that I had been down there waiting for him for quite some time. All three of them froze. They looked like deer caught in the headlights! And that's when it hit me! I terrorize these people with my moodiness. That knowledge brought on another round of tearfulness. I shut my mouth and vowed to stop being such a lunatic. Things went along pretty well after that. I think. It's hard to say really. Because I can't remember! Menopause is also causing me to have a memory like a sieve! I can barely retain my own name and address and heck, I may have to start writing that down and pinning it the hem of my shirt soon! I do remember that I spent much of yesterday morning in a wild frenzy of productivity. I cut back some old wilted flowers in the front flower bed, put the new scarecrows out there, made the wreath to go over the fireplace, cleaned off the dining room table, took a nice half hour to "wash that gray right outta my hair" (colored away the gray, okay?) and even took a few pictures to post on my blog. And then Randey left for a trip to Portland, Oregon. A few hours later, I was in a bit of a rage because I couldn't find the epoxy to fix something I'd just broken. That Randey! He'd used it last and I couldn't find it and I was fixing to start throwing things and pulling my hair out when Kaleb, very calmly, says "he put it on top of the fridge". Which is where it belongs, actually. Sure enough, I go check. It's there. Huh. And I thought I'd already looked on top of the fridge. Guess not. Fast forward to this morning...I awaken at the normal time (the boys did not - which resulted in my yelling up the stairs at the top of my lungs because I'm too lazy to stomp up those stairs that early in the morning!). Not a great start to the day, but I've had worse. Things go pretty well after that, they leave for school, I start dusting our bedroom and make the bed and drag the vacuum cleaner out. And the next thing I know, I'm standing there wondering why I'm cleaning. What difference does it make? It's just going to get dusty again. And how come I've been working on eating better the past couple of weeks and my shorts are still tight? I remember I used to be able to drop a couple of pounds like it was nothing. Now I can't get this weight to turn loose of me. I'm huge, I ain't getting smaller ever, ever again so where in the heck is my chocolate when I need it! Whew. That was so much fun. From the vacuum cleaner to chocolate in three easy steps. So let's recap, shall we? In the space of three days I have cried, raged, yelled, stomped, sulked, forgotten most of what I've seen, said and done, played, sobbed, glared, ground my teeth down into mere bumps of worn out enamel, laughed, pouted and terrified my family. And technically speaking, I'm not mental. I'm just menopausal. Uh-huh. I say we look into having this particular time in a woman's life reclassified to more accurately reflect what it actually does to the female mind:
IT MAKES YOU CRAZIER THAN HELL AND WORTHY OF A PADDED ROOM! And by gosh, I want my padded room. And my chocolate. And I want them N-O-W!

Today's Menopause Topic: Hormone Replacement Therapy - Only YOU Can Decide if it's Right for You!

Hello, Laaaaaadies...it's Menopause Madness Monday again! As some of you know, this is where we talk about the wonderful world that is menopause! Woo-hoo. Well, technically speaking, I do all the talking, but I "talk" so much that if you read it out loud, it almost sounds like a real conversation. And listen, all you spring chickens, don't think this discussion isn't for you just because you're not lucky enough to be feeling the effects of this fabulous time of life just yet. Your time will come (now why does that sound so ominous, hmm?) and trust me when I say, it's better to be prepared. Unlike I was. Talk about your blissful ignorance! Wow. I was the poster child for "Menopausal Cluelessness". Not cool. Many of the symptoms of menopause can be scary and confusing and just downright frustrating. The same could be said for treatment options. Take HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) for instance. Studies have shown that taking HRT can lead to greater chances of getting cancer. And yet, plenty of woman take them. Why? Well sometimes, it's the right thing to do, despite the cancer angle. How can that be, you ask? I'll tell you...and I am only speaking of my own experience here. If you read the list of symptoms in last week's post, you will have seen this one:

11. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease, feelings of dread, apprehension, doom

Doesn't sound bad enough to risk cancer, right? Wrong. It can be bad enough. A few months ago, I was having a horrible time with anxiety and worse. Every single morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, I was consumed with feelings of doom, for lack of a better word. I would lay in bed and wonder what was going to go wrong that day. Who was going to get hurt? What bad news would be coming my way? Which loved one would I lose? Was I going to die? What great catastrophe was waiting right around the corner? Over and over, I'd ask myself these questions. Every single freakin' day. Yeah, try feeling that for days and weeks on end. I thought I was losing my sanity. Let me be clear...this was not depression. I've been depressed before. I've been stressed to the limit before. This was nothing like either of those things. I wasn't thinking of harming myself or anyone else. I was more like "waiting" for something bad to happen and I felt that "the something bad" was inevitable. It was going to happen, period. I had no idea that that was one of the many symptoms of menopause. Hot flashes and night sweats? Yeah, I'd heard of those. Duh...who hadn't? But this? Not as common. Or not as commonly discussed, anyway. So, after much discussion with my doctor (a lot of which involved visions of me choking the snot out of him for even daring to think a young, vibrant woman such as myself could possibly be suffering from menopause!), we determined that short term use of Hormone Replacement Therapy might be the best course of action for me. Yeah, I'm nervous about cancer. Nervous? I'm scared witless about it! But there is every indication that short term use of HRT won't drastically increase my chances of getting cancer. And there is also every indication that failure to modify my hormone level will lead to certain insanity on my part. Okay, so maybe that doesn't seem so very different from my current level of derangement, but I'm telling you, it would be. During the time of my hormonal madness, I had forgotten how to smile, much less laugh. Do you know how awful that feels? I mean really, what's life without laughter? It's misery, for everyone involved. For you, your family, your friends, your pets, your neighbors, your mailman, the nameless-faceless saps who make the mistake of dialing your phone number...you get the picture, right? For me, HRT is the right thing to do. For me, for now. But, while they've helped with that one particular debilitating symptom, don't go thinking they are the miracle "cure" for all menopause symptoms. They're not. I still get hot flashes (although they aren't as severe) and I still have night sweats occasionally. In fact, I still suffer from quite a few of those fun-filled symptoms, but the important thing for me is that they've helped alleviate the "doom" thing. Now please do not think that I am advocating HRT use. I am not. In fact, I'm telling you straight up - I hope to not use them for more than 18 months, max. And if it weren't for those "doom" feelings, I probably wouldn't be taking them at all. I had to decide what was best for me. I weighed both sides of it and decided, with the help of my doctor, that at this time, these are best for me. Only you can decide what's best for you. I've gotten a little bit of the "oh my (head shake, head shake) you take HRT. You shouldn't do that, my dear. You're going to get cancer" from some well-meaning but uninformed people since I've "come out" about my HRT use. How do I tell them that the alternative would leave me an empty vessel, cancer free or not? I suppose I could tell them that I understand the risks of cancer are not significantly increased with short-term usage, but my saying that won't make them believe it. So I usually end up nodding my head, saying something inane like "oh, yes, I know" (and just how stupid does that sound? Someone says "you're going to get cancer if you use those" and I reply "oh, yes, I know". I feel like at that point in the conversation, I should stop and write DUH! in big letters across my forehead because...damn. Then I often wonder why I'm almost embarrassed to admit I take HRT. I guess because I don't want to look stupid for gambling with cancer. But the truth is, I don't feel I'm gambling with it. I feel like I'm doing the best thing I can to get me through this particular phase of my menopause. How you get through it is totally and completely between you and your doctor! But, even if your doctor is the most wonderful human being on earth with 14 Ph.D's to his/her name, I would still encourage you to do your research on this subject. Knowledge is power, as they say. And it's your body, your mind and your health. Be pro-active and learn all you can! And get off my back about me talking hormones! It's none of your bizwich (that means "business" in hipster-speak). Hey! I'm menopausal - did you think I would get through an entire post of this size without saying something snarky? P-u-l-l-l-l-ease!

Now on to something else real quick like...I want to leave you today with a piece of advice for anybody who lives with someone suffering through menopause. This is important, people, so listen up. When a menopausal woman walks into a room and says "It's hot", do not under any circumstances, reply in an off-hand, unthinking and uncaring tone of voice "nah, it's not hot in here" because I can assure you it is indeed hot and your stupid, careless remark just caused the temperatures to reach near boiling. If you doubt the validity of this claim, feel free to contact my husband. I guarantee you he'll set you straight.

To Pam: thank you for your last comment regarding last week's Menopause Monday post - you made my day!!!! Oh okay, I'm lying...you did better than that! You made my week, my month and maybe even my year! :)

What's YOUR Favorite Menopause Symptom?

I'd like to introduce you to, what I hope will be, my new weekly rant...er...I mean...post about menopause. Why do this? Because I can, that's why. But more importantly, because I think I should do this. I need to do this. If I don't come up with something to help me diffuse my menopausal madness periodically, I'll think I'll go irretrievable insane. I've blogged about this affliction a little bit already. Okay. So I've blogged about it rather extensively. Sure, it may be a little embarrassing, but it's not criminal so buck up! If menopause makes you nervous, you're visiting the wrong blog anyway. I decided to make the first topic of this discussion "your favorite symptom of menopause". And who amongst us doesn't have a favorite? My favorite? Oh, I'm torn. The hot flashes are soooo exciting and tropical in feel (except without the pineapples, ocean breezes and fruity cocktails with those fun little umbrellas). But the night sweats! Well. Who doesn't get a special thrill out of waking up wringing wet? From head to toe. Exciting stuff, I must say. But there's also that nerve tingling anxiety that's been known to take over my every waking moment (it likes to take over when the night sweats are done with me). Here's an actual list of 35 menopausal symptoms:

1. Hot flashes and flushes
2. Night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
3. Irregular heart beat
4. Irritability
5. Mood swings, sudden tears
6. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
7. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
8. Loss of libido
9. Dry vagina
10. Crashing fatigue
11. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease, feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
13. Disturbing memory lapses
14. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
15. Itchy, crawly skin
16. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
17. Increased tension in muscles
18. Breast tenderness
19. Headache change: increase or decrease
20.Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
21. Sudden bouts of bloat
22. Depression
23. Exacerbation of existing conditions
24. Increase in allergies
25. Weight gain
26. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
27. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
28. Changes in body odor
29. Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
30. Tingling in the extremities
31. Gum problems, increased bleeding
32. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
33. Osteoporosis (after several years)
34. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
35. Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.

I know. So many adventures connected to one little condition. Hard to believe, huh? Actually, what I think is so hard to believe is that more of us aren't stark raving mad 98% of the time! So tell me. Which of these happy-go-lucky items is your personal favorite? As for me, I'm going with the hot flashes since they seem to be the most loyal to me. Loyalty counts for a lot, don'tcha know...

The Definition of Mojo

I have received several requests to define "Mojo". Here goes:

This is the definition of Mojo, according to the American Heritage Dictionary (whom I normally have much respect for but let's face it, they really missed the boat on this one!).

mo·jo (mō'jō') n. pl. mo·jos or mo·joes
1. A magic charm or spell.

2. An amulet, often a small flannel bag containing one or more magic items, worn by adherents of hoodoo or voodoo.

3. Personal magnetism; charm.

This is the definition of Mojo, according to me:

mo·jo (mō'jō') n. pl. mo·jos or mo·joes

1. The ability to get through daily life with a smile on your face and happiness in your heart.

2. A feeling deep within the spirit that defines one as human, versus an even deeper feeling of being feral and insane (i.e., exhibiting symptoms of being a subhuman life-form previously only ever seen during the ravages of menopause and/or in movies featuring the infamous Doctor Hannibal Lechter).

3. That thing Austin Powers (and I) so desperately need to be cool (and what menopausal woman - whether she resembles Austin Powers or not - isn't looking to be COOL, I ask you?).

There ladies. Wonder no more. Mojo has now, officially, been defined for all eternity.

And the Award for Greatest Menopausal Moment of "Turn-About-is-Fair-Play" Goes To....

The following was a comment left on one of my posts. I hope Kat doesn't mind me sharing this with the world on the front page of my blog.

Kat-in-a-flap. said...
Oh,I forgot to say that when my mum was menopausal she had HRT patches and one of them got stuck to my dads back somehow when they were in bed(!!!***!!??@@**)he wore it all day at work and was as daft as a brush for days when we finally discovered it and took it off.My mum says it was the highlight of her menopause !!!

I seriously suspect that just the thought of this moment will sustain me through many a tough time in the future. This has to rank in the top 5 funniest things I've ever, ever heard. Heck, it may be number 1. Way. Too. Funny.
If you haven't visited Kat's blog yet, please do. She writes about her days in a most charming way. (Although I will admit that just thinking of doing all that she manages to do in one single day often leaves me drained and exhausted! lol) She's frightfully organized, ever so efficient and is raising perfectly adorable children. And I still like her! And Kat, if you're reading this, please except my apologies for posting this without your express permission, but I simply could not help myself. Thank your mom for sharing this story with you! I know your father passed over last year, but I love that he and your mom were able to laugh about this happening to them! It speaks volumes about what great personalities raised you!

Confusion Reigns Supreme at My House (or in my head, at least!)

Everyone familiar with the phrase "Can't see the forest for the trees"? That's kind of how I've been feeling. I'm experiencing some serious issues, for lack of a better word, and some moments it feels like I'm missing details because I'm so overwhelmed by anything and everything else. I don't know if there truly are some momentous problems in my life or if the menopause is just making me absolutely flippin' nutso. And, while I never thought I'd feel this way, I'm really voting for the menopause at this point. lol I used to rant and rave about things when I was unhappy, but I've come to realize over the years that people don't like that, do they? So now I tend to kind of keep things to myself because I don't want to be a pain in the butt or a downer or just a plain ol' whiner. I tend to avoid talking to people when I'm unhappy. But I don't know if that's the right way to do it. All I've managed to accomplish this week is to deprive myself of the friendship and companionship of all of you that I've been blessed with recently, plus I've upset my oldest son because I couldn't talk to him the other day and guess what? I'm still not feeling any better than I was. So. I'm still searching for answers, I'm still feeling somewhat lost and confused and I'm still wondering what I should do to make some positive changes in my life. But what I'm not doing is forgetting to thank all of you for your kindness and your comments and your thoughts. It helps more than you know to hear from you all. I owe each of you a response to your kindness and I will give it. But first, I'm afraid that my motherly duties call. I've got to go pick up one of my kids from school for his ortho appointment. I wanted to get this post and the ones showing what I've been doing these past few days on my blog before I left, though (mainly so my aunt won't call me with horrible threats of bodily injury if I don't post something soon!lol). Thank you all again for your warm thoughts. I appreciate them more than I can express.

Answer: A Crazy Chicken Dancing on a Hot Plate While Trapped in a Sauna

Question: A woman experiencing menopause in August resembles what particular animal engaged in what particular activity in what particular location?

The Latest in Cocktail Napkin Fashion!

I was shopping in Weatherford yesterday (more pictures to follow later) when I came across these cute little cocktail napkins in a little store. They screamed for me to buy them, but I resisted. I don't know why, though. They seem so...perfect. In case you can't read them, they say m.o.p.s. which stands for Menopause - Our Personal Summer.
Gotta love that.

P.S. Just a little F.Y.I. - my in-laws are in town for a few days. Great to have them, but it really cuts into my blogging schedule. (lol just kidding!) I should be back on schedule no later than Sunday evening. I feel like I have to say this to keep my Aunt Sandi from sending me threatening e-mails! lol

Friendship is an Art Form I have Yet to Master

Is it just me or was making friends and talking to people easier when you were a kid? I can remember way back when (or "back in the day" as it's called now), every day that wasn't a school day and the sun was shining, all the kids in the neighborhood would get together and just play and talk and laugh and fight and then laugh and talk and play and fight some more. Then, as we get older, we weren't as care free as we were before. The arguments got bigger, the playing got smaller and the laughter maybe just a little bit more refined (there were people out there to impress, after all). And then life takes you to other places, the talks get further and further apart, your interests change maybe and before you know it, you and your dear, dear friend are barely exchanging Christmas cards every year. I look back on all the friends I've had in the past and wonder how could I have let them go? There's my friend, Penny, whom I've only recently been in contact with again. We knew each other in junior high school, for Pete's sake. We were lunch time buddies. I figure I owe her about $6,794.75 in borrowed quarters from time spent at the Kerr Jr. High snack bar. I haven't talked to her in over 2 decades when I found her mom's name somewhere on the Internet and contacted her and she put me in touch with Penny (thank you Miss Charlotte!). How did I let that friendship go in the first place? And then there's my friend, Trish, who is also a distantly related cousin. I don't think I've seen her since 1987, the year my grandma passed away. Her life always seemed so perfect. Until tragedy struck. Her little 11 month old daughter was killed that year by a drunk driver. So, so, so sad. I spoke with her a few months after it had happened (I didn't know of it, until then). I will forever feel like I let her down because I just couldn't find the right words to say. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have just said "I'm sorry and I love you". Over and over and over again. But I felt too awkward and too inadequate and so I ended up just losing contact with her. Shameful, isn't it? Then there's my friend, Bobbie, from Wisconsin. We met in Plattsburgh, New York where our husbands were stationed (this was during my previous marriage). Bobbie was hilarious. She could really make me laugh. So why did I lose touch with her, too? What is it with me? Is it only with me or does this happen to other people, too? I'm 43 years old. Even my kids joke that I have one friend and one friend only and that's Susan. We (Susan and I mainly) laugh about it and say that having friends can be just too high maintenance. But I got to say...there are days that I'm so lonesome I could just...well, cry. I wish I could be in person as I am in Blogland. In Blogland, I'm upbeat with others, I'm straight forward with my ills and concerns and I'm eager to hear how others are doing. In real life, I feel awkward. Yes, that's the word. Awkward. I'm a housewife. I'm boring. I don't measure up to those around me. I don't have anything to offer except an opinion and how learned of an opinion could it be if I never get outside of my own little world? So I end up staying closed off. I tell my children that friendships are important, but I don't live by example with that one. I've...squandered...a great many friendships all because of reasons that don't seem to matter so much anymore. I often hear about people who are friends with people they knew back in 2nd grade. How do you do that? Can you teach me? Is it a gift you have and I don't? Or are you just nicer people? And why am I feeling so darn "retrospective" (or is is "introspective") today? Probably from the bad night last night, huh? Well, I'll be darned...it's that wicked menopause thing again, probably. Waking me up with night sweats and making me all blah today. Got to work on these mood swings. Really. Or maybe I should just work on my people skills. Or maybe I should not post on my blog unless I've had at least a good 7 hours of sleep. Or maybe I should just....stop while I'm ahead. This is getting too deep for even me to swim my way out of.

Who the Heck Turned Up the Heat???

Having kind of a rough evening. Seems like every 15 minutes I feel like I'm roasting from the inside out. You know, they say that knowing is half the battle, right? So knowing I'm going through menopause should make living with the symptoms that much easier. However, knowing I'm experiencing a perfectly normal phase of life isn't keeping me from feeling like one gigantic, over-cooked Thanksgiving turkey right about now. I'm burning up, my head hurts, I'm all bloated and just downright grumpy. That reminds me of a story...when The Moose (see previous post for ID) was just learning to talk, she spent the night with us. Back then, she couldn't say Granny very well - it came out as Ninny. The next morning, she got up and came toddling over to where I was sitting in the recliner clutching a cup of coffee like it was a lifeline. After a few minutes of me begging her (in what was probably not a very melodious voice) to "let me wake up, Moose", she finally stuck her little nose up in the air, said "you grumpy, Ninny" and off she went, in search of greener (and sweeter) pastures. Oh and hey, did I mention that one of my menopausal symptoms seems to be that my mind wanders and I have a hard time staying focused on one thing? I start off with describing just how miserable I feel and I end up talking about my granddaughter telling me how grumpy I was one morning over 6 years ago. I guess that's not too far off the subject though, is it? Or maybe it is. I'm too far gone right now to tell for sure. Ah well, the point is, she was right. I was grumpy then just as I'm sure as heck grumpy now. Think I'll head on off to bed, turn the air way down, turn the overhead fan on as well as the big honkin' fan I bought for the side of the bed and wait for this to pass. And if it doesn't pass soon, I'm sleeping in the freezer. See you guys tomorrow.

Country Time Lemonade, Sports Cars and Dean Martin

Look to the right. See that face? That's me, making an effort to claw my way back to being a normal human. Or at least an abnormal human who doesn't whine like a madwoman. At this point, either one will do! (Geez. I've really got to lay off the Country Time Lemonade - I'm looking a little yellow and all that sugar appears to be making me a tad bit...bloated!)

Anywho..."T" at http://tpmom4ever.blogspot.com/ left one hysterical, yet uplifting comment about this whole "phase of life" thing. "Phase of Life". What a phrase. That reminds me, my neighbor, who is all of 26 years old, very kindly explained to me how she was expecting "the change" early because it runs in her family. Okay, so A) I'm sorry to hear that, truly, and B) "the change"? How quaint is that? That sounds like something I heard in that funny little film they showed us in 5th grade. You know the one...it explained how one day, us girls would "become a woman" when we started menstruation. It also explained how that was also called (and I'm quoting here)"the Curse...and here's why..." (all said in a very June Cleaver like voice). "The Curse". Please. Talk about getting something totally and completely backwards. Looking at it from this side of the river, I'm thinking that starting my period should have been called "the Change" and going through menopause should be called "the Curse". You can tell a man came up with these labels. A stupid man. A stupid man who wanted revenge against his mother, probably. A stupid man who wanted revenge against his mother and who was never able to get a date ever in his whole life. Oh Wow! Hmmmm. Where'd that come from? I may be suffering from a little jealousy here. A man hits middle life crazy and he buys a Corvette. A woman hits menopause and all she wants is to fall asleep deep inside a walk-in freezer. Men and women...so very, very different. On so many different levels.

Oh gosh, here I thought this post was going to be happy and cheerful and not about being nutso. How did I get from the Famous 5th Grade Film to man-bashing because men get to drive a sports car while all I'm driving is other people crazy? Must try harder, must try harder. As my childhood heroine, Scarlett O'Hara said, "Tomorrow's another day". I'll work on talking about a different topic tomorrow. (Like the new Harry Potter book. I promise not to give away any of the plot for those who aren't reading it right away, but I know I'll have to say something about it being here!) In the meantime, I think a little Dean Martin music (thank you T) is in order. You can't help but feel great listening to him.

And the hits just keep coming...

I would so very much love to follow up my menopause post with something witty, amusing and deeply insightful. But....that's not gonna happen. I got nothing for 'ya. Today will be the 4th day of my HRT. And you know what? Let's just clear this up right now. I know what HRT is supposed to stand for (Hormone Replacement Therapy). That's what they all say anyway. That's actually a great, big, fat lie. It's somebody's idea of a joke - a really bad, bad joke. Through my four days of first hand research, I've discovered that HRT actually stands for Heat Rants and Tears. It's about time someone was honest about this. There IS no mistake. Just to prove it, I've managed to cover all 3 initials this morning alone. Actually, I did it in record time...I woke up, wallering in the HEAT that is taking over my whole entire life, then I followed up with a RANT to a company I'm having an e-mail war with and ended with TEARS because my son's been delayed a day, this company I'm fighting with via e-mail is getting on my absolute last freakin' nerve, my back is killing me - right between my shoulder blades - and Randey called in the middle of it all and said he'd take me to Barnes and Noble at midnight tonight so I could get the Harry Potter book the second it's released. How sweet is that? Randey, I mean. The rest of it? Not so much. I thought these stupid pills were supposed to help???? I know I'm a little off right now, but I could have sworn that doctor said they'd help with the hot flashes right away. Oh and hey, that's another thing. Flashes? What flashes? Does a tidal wave of heat that rolls over my body and takes up residence from my chest to my head really count as a "flash"? In what universe is constant boiling heat considered a flash? I'm thinking a "flash" is more like..."now you see it, now you don't" kind of quick. Not "oh great here comes another wave - let's hope this one doesn't last the next 6 hours like the last one did".
I think I liked it better before the doctor told me what was going on. At least when I thought I was plain ol' crazy, I felt compelled to try and hide it. Now I'm just angry. I'm angry that this is happening and I'm angry that, in this day and age, they haven't come up with something to make it all better...NOW. Is this normal, people? Aren't these pills supposed to work right away? Is that too much to ask? Anybody else experienced this? And hey, here's a question...when I thought I was just crazy, I was so much more tolerant of the heat. Why is it different now? Does my subconscious think that being menopausal is an excuse for being a terror? Surely not. I think I'm just...scared, worried, panicky...wondering (hoping?) if the doctor didn't misdiagnose me and really, rather than going through menopause, I'm really either crazy or maybe even dying from some dreaded disease that's causing me to cook from the inside out. (Yeah - that dang Drama Queen persona rears her ugly head again!) Most of all, though, I'm wondering if I should even be on HRT. Is 4 days too soon to decide? Should I be noticing a change or am I supposed to give it a week or so? Does anybody know? I think this is the worst part of all. Not knowing if what is going on is normal. Did I expect too much from the HRT right away? Should I go slap the living tar out of my doctor for making me think it WOULD make a difference so soon? Or should I just hang in there, STOP RANTING IN MY BLOG, and just wait for these pills to start their magic? Hello? Anybody?

I swear...crazy is just EASIER...

This is one of those TMI (Too Much Information) Posts but it's MY blog so I'll say what I want (but you should probably read the warning first!)

Warning! Warning! Warning! If the word "menopause" causes you discomfort, embarrassment, and/or a general feeling of unease, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! If, however, you are human, possess even the slightest modicum of compassion and/or are, or know of, a woman of a certain age and have any desire whatsoever to develop an understanding of the level of angst, confusion and exasperation this normal condition will have on your loved one at some point in time, feel free to read on. I'm posting this random picture in order to give you an opportunity to stop reading NOW if this subject is just too much for your tender sensibilities (although please note that from this moment forward, you will forever be known as "That Cowardly Nancy-Pants of a Jerk Who Has No Feeling For Anyone Other Than His/Her Own Narcissistic Self"). Okay, welcome to the discussion, all you brave, kind hearted souls who have chosen to read further. As some of you may already know, last week I suffered a bit of an emotional freakout, otherwise known as a wicked case of The Blah's. I thought I had recovered from them, when in very short order, I was stricken yet once more. This was becoming a pattern. Up and down, up and down. Happy, not. Happy, not. Glistening ever so slightly, sweating like a pig. You get the idea. It's been happening for awhile but lately...well, lately, it's almost gotten unbearable. I was sooooooo anxious yesterday afternoon, for no apparent reason, that I called the GYN and made an appointment. My request went something like this, "I need to see the doctor. I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing something that just isn't right. No.....this can't wait. Yes, I've seen the doctor before. No...just for a normal check-up. Yes, I'd like to see him soon. Listen, you don't understand! I can't keep doing this. I can't stand feeling like the whole world is caving in on me. I can't stand waking up at 1 or 2 or 3 in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep, I can't stand these headaches and I can't stand one more unexplained palpitation! I NEED to see the doctor. SOON! Yes, okay, right. Tomorrow at 2:30 will be fine. Thank you so much. Sorry if I seemed a bit tense." Whew! Thank goodness they probably get a few calls like that a year or I might have been facing verbal assault charges in the near future. So anywho, I head on down to the doctor's office today. Half of me convinced I'm crazy. The other half of me not really caring if I'm crazy. Just looking for some help. Some relief. Something, anything. The doctor took me back to his office. We discussed some blood work I'd had done a few months ago. He tells me I have great numbers except for this one little part of my cholesterol figure. No big deal. We can straighten that up with some Omega 3. Yeah, sure, whatever. Let's get to the important stuff, okie dokie? I tell him what's going on. I think I may have even demonstrated my feelings with scary facial expressions because, at one point, the doctor actually kind of leaned away and looked a little leery of me. Like I'd attack the one person who could help me right now. P-u-l-l-ease. Anyway, I told him about the heachaches, the anxiety, the backaches, the insomnia, the heart palpitations, the heat that was boiling my blood every other minute of the day and night and making my skin burn. He then, ever so calmly, asked me if I knew when my older female family members had experienced menopause. I didn't. He went on to say that I was experiencing early menopause myself and he was only asking because it tends to run in families. I'm not that far ahead of schedule, though. No need to panic. Why, by golly, he's treated some women who went through it in their 30's. Huh. That's fascinating. Really. But I'm a selfish wench and, quite frankly, wasn't too interested in their sob stories just right then. Let's talk about me, shall we, Doc? Yeah, I'm a little embarrassed about that attitude now, but at the time....well, at the time, I had about a million things going through my head. My first thought was "Oh my gosh! I'll never be able to have another baby." I actually thought that. Me, mother of 4 whose ages range from 26 to 15. Like I could even face having another baby. I felt that initial reaction just proved I was a little nutty and in dire need of help. Then my second thought (and this one is my personal favorite). "I won't be a real woman anymore. No feminine side, no nothing. I'll never be the same". Okay, so drama is one of my stronger suits. Whatever. I'm just saying what I felt. Mock me if you will. Just don't mock me to my face. You're liable to get a taste of my decidedly unfeminine side when I cuss you like the sailor my uncle once was. Oops, there goes that moody thing again. Let me throttle back some and get back to the subject at hand. Anyway, to make a long painful story every bit as long and painful as it felt, the doctor and I discussed some options and have decided on a few things to help me get through this since I'm obviously not handling it as well as some have. I'm a ninny. Big deal. I'm going to take the medication as prescribed and then we'll revisit the situation in 3 months. Hopefully, things will get better. This rollercoaster ride is wearing me out. And poor Randey. What a rock! He's so sweet and so supportive. He's been taking the route of "Life's hard - wear a helmet" to get through some of the worst moments. And there's been some bad, bad moments for him to get through. Well, it's not like he's the one boiling alive from this freakin' heat while having the worst backache in the world and everything else on the planet going wrong with him...uhhhhhhh, hold it a second. I did it again, didn't I? Moody, moody, moody. Can't let it keep getting the best of me. I'm going to be one friendless, lonely, misunderstood, yet nicely medicated, individual if I can't get a hold of this soon. I think menopause is one of life's little tests to see if you and your dearly beloved are really, really, really meant to be together. And God Bless him, so far, Randey's hanging in there pretty good. What a man! I just hope I can hang in there. Right now, the score is Menopause 1, Me 0. But the game's not over yet...