Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Wayward Blogger Returns

I've been gone awhile, haven't I? It's not that I've been deliberately laying low, it's more that I've been shamelessly lazy and have been using facebook to stay in touch. Facebook is so much easier than blogging (Hey, "friend" me! Look me up using this e-mail address:! But, alas, facebooking, while easier, is not as in depth as a good old fashioned blog. :) So here I am again, back to blogging so that I can post a few pictures and talk about some personal issues that have really been bugging me. And no, I'm not talking politics. At least not this time. lol
First let's start with the pictures. In my last post I mentioned that I was going to meet a couple of blogging friends in person for the very first time. Randey had a business trip to Ohio and I tagged along, specifically to meet these wonderful people! This is Sue from Rabbit Run Cottage and her husband Bill. These are two of the nicest people on the planet! Sue is funny and charming and witty and stunningly beautiful! And Bill is her perfect match. Sue and I enjoyed a day of shopping and then she and Bill took Randey and I out for a dinner at The Cheesecake Factory (love The Cheesecake Factory!!).
Here's Sue and I, waiting patiently for our table.
On the left is Sue, another blogger who happens to be a friend of the other Sue (middle) and me, on the right. Sue and Sue were great fun together and made my day of shopping and lunching a true joy. Both of them are just so funny and great to be around.
And this is my friend Joan from Joan's Journeys. Joan is so very special to me. She's the one who first mentioned Weight Watchers to me so, for that alone, I feel like I owe her so much more than I could ever repay. But it's not just that. There's so much more and I really can't explain it. She's just...special. Period. I adore Joan and was thrilled beyond belief to get to meet her. :)
Here's some pictures of the beautiful scenery in Ohio, too. Look at these colors! Everywhere you looked, the colors were just exploding in all their Autumn glory!

I feel very fortunate to have gotten to go with Randey on this trip. Of course, it's only made me all the more eager to go on more trips with him. In fact, I'm hoping to go to Georgia in February to meet some more of my blogging friends! I'm very excited at the prospect.
Okay....that's all the fun stuff. Stop here if you're only looking for good cheer. This next part is a bit of a downer, if I do say so myself. I figure that most people have finished with reading this by now, though (who likes reading a long post anyway, right?) so basically, saying all this next stuff is almost like writing in a diary rather than blabbing my personal business all over the net. That's the attitude I'm taking anyway. (Yeah, I can be delusional like that when I need to be.)
Anywho, my issue starts with my relationship (or rather, lack thereof) with my mother. We've been estranged for years, although we did have a brief reconciliation a couple of years ago. Too bad it didn't last. :( I honestly don't know what I did to her that has made her unwilling to have a relationship with me, but she's darn sure reached that point. How does that happen? How does a mother decide she doesn't want anything to do with her own child? This all came to head a couple of months ago and it happened because of facebook (you'd of thought I would have sworn off facebook after this!) I noticed that my mother had started a facebook account and I sent her a "friend request". I know, it sounds stupid, but I thought it might be a way to start a dialogue with her. She didn't respond. Finally, after about three weeks, I rescinded that request and sent another one, this time with a message attached. That one she did respond to. She accepted my friend request but then sent me an e-mail saying that I had rejected her in the past and that she couldn't stand rejection again but that she would always love me and would just try to remember the good times. See, our most recent problem all started back in 2004 when I got into it with my sister and my mother decided to get involved with our argument. It had nothing to do with her and I will never, ever understand why she felt the need to take sides. How do you take sides when each side is one of your children anyway? Given the circumstances, I felt then, and I still feel today, that I didn't reject her, she rejected me. But whatever. The point was, I figured we'd never get passed it if we didn't talk about it. She asked me what she'd done and I told her a few things. Then I asked her what I had done to offend her. Next thing I know, she's sending me an e-mail telling me I need to look in the mirror, that I judge people and that I forget they have feelings. All true things. But I'm also willing to listen to another person's point of view. In fact, I thought that's what we were doing - sharing our feelings, getting things out in the open. Apparently, I was wrong. All I was doing was offending her again. She ended up wishing me "a happy life" and wishing me and mine "all the best in the future". She later sent me another e-mail, asking if I would consider meeting her at a neutral location to "either fix our relationship or know that it is over forever". Over forever? Really? How can a mother/child relationship be over forever? I've never killed anyone, I never slept with another woman's husband and I never committed treason against my country. So what the hell could I have possibly done to warrant my mother wanting nothing to do with me ever again? I declined that meeting with her. I kind of think that if she's okay with the prospect of never talking with me again, then her decision is probably already made. At any rate, all of that isn't the reason for my "downer" post. I've told this story to explain this next part. I found out recently that my daughter-in-law and my youngest granddaughter will be leaving Okinawa and returning to Florida in a couple of weeks and that my son will be joining them for Christmas (he won't officially leave Okinawa for several more months, though). They will be in the same area in Florida as my oldest granddaughter, as well as my in-laws and my sister and other family members, too. I was out shopping with my daughter Des last week when it occurred to me that we could go to Florida and spend Christmas with all of them! What a great idea! We haven't all been together for Christmas since 2003. What could be better? Des said she thought her boss would give her the time off and I knew Randey could get the time off so I called my sister to run the idea by her. Just as I was dialing the phone, though, it hit me. My mother would probably be going to my sister's for Christmas (she lives about 2 1/2 hours away from her). I asked my sister if that was the case and yes, indeed, it is. Not only my mother, but her sisters as well. In other words, there's no room at the inn for me and mine. Crushing blow, I don't mind telling you. No big family get together for us. I mean, really, my feelings were kind of hurt even though I know they shouldn't be. They had made their plans already so I wouldn't expect my sister to cancel their plans just to accommodate us. But it would have been so nice to have that big family Christmas one last time. The way the kids are all growing up, going their separate ways and all, this is probably the last year something like this could have worked out. But it just wasn't meant to be. Now here's the real downer portion of my post (at last, I've arrived at it!) I feel kind of like I'm on the outside looking in on this family sometimes. Not only will Christmas with them not be an option, but neither is anything else. My mom and my sister always spend Thanksgiving and Christmas together. Always. My sister is at my mom's right now, having spent Thanksgiving with her and gone shopping on Black Friday, etc., etc., etc. I'm not part of the group anymore. To be honest, most of the time, that doesn't bother me much. I'm so very bitter about my mother that I wouldn't spend time with her regardless. Something about being "disposable" in her eyes sort of takes away the drive to be close to her, you know what I mean? However, I do resent the fact that I will never matter enough to come first with any member of my family (not counting Randey and my children, of course). I know down to the very fiber of my being that I did nothing to deserve whatever it is my mother feels about me and I resent that her lunacy has cost me time with other members of my family. And I resent that those family members won't call her on it and, in fact, are okay that me and mine will get left out in the cold every single year during the holidays. There, I said it. I resent it like hell. And I really need to get over it. Because it's not going to change. These recent developments have taught me that much. But man, it really bugs me. I'm not sure what bugs me more, though. Not being able to fix whatever part of me there is that can't seem to get along with other people or being of so little importance to the people in my life that I'm easily dismissed and/or discarded by them. I want to matter. I just don't know how. I guess that's really the main part of this post. I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to be the kind of person that matters and that is worth being with. And I sure as hell wish I did because life wouldn't be so confusing then.