As life moves forward from the loss of Russell, I find myself struggling with an almost ridiculous fear. Every time the phone rings and I see it's one of my children, I'm seized by panic. I replay in my mind that awful morning when Desiree' called with the news of Russell's accident. I hear her screaming and crying, begging me to just come get her. It took precious moments to get her to calm down enough to tell me where she was and what had happened. Those moments were nothing short of dreadful. That's the only word that properly describes that window of time. And, of course, when she said that Russell was gone, all the horrible things that raced through my mind during those moments paled in comparison to the reality. So now, whenever the phone rings, I'm afraid. I know it's stupid. I know it's unreasonable and I know I can't keep feeling like that. Problem is, I don't know how to stop, how to get past that, how to trust that tragedy isn't behind every phone call. Does anyone out there have any advice for me? Anybody been through this? Anybody know how to make my heart understand what my brain tells it? I mean I know that bad things happen and that sometimes those bad things are out of our control. I know that death is a part of life. Death is a fact of life. But I just don't know how to stop feeling panicky. Especially when it comes to my children. I feel like I'm just sort of sitting here with my eyes closed tight, hoping and praying that nothing ever goes wrong with them again. How do I get comfortable enough to just relax? How do I get back to just enjoying them without the worry? Any ideas? I probably sound like a lunatic, don't I? Maybe I am. I know I'm growing more and more frustrated with myself every time that panic grabs ahold of me and I can't stop it. I also know I'm too cheap for therapy (lol) so I thought I'd ask for some free advice first. I'm kidding...well, sort of. Seriously though...have any of you experienced anything like this before? If so, how'd you get through it? What worked for you? I'd love to know. I'd really love to start feeling joy again. I'd really love to put fear behind me and move forward without it. It's exhausting me.