Monday, September 24, 2007

A Padded Room and Some Chocolate. Is That Asking For Too Much?

I had a bit of an epiphany bright and early this morning. Yeah, brace yourself. It's a stunner. Here goes....Doesn't menopause closely resemble mental illness at times? I'm not kidding and I'm not being facetious and/or sarcastic. I've had about 3 days that, were it not for the fact I'm afflicted with menopause at this particular time in my life, I believe could have qualified me for a short, pleasant, drug worthy stay in my local looney bin. It all started Saturday morning. We got up, things were bopping right along, we had plans to take the boys to a movie later in the day. But first, we needed their help to rearrange our bedroom. I was in a splendid mood. Smiling, dancing about, even did a little out of tune singing for every one's listening pleasure. And then it happened. Jake looked at Kaleb, Kaleb looked at Jake, they both started laughing and nodding frantically at each other...turns out they were making fun of me! Yes. They were. They admitted it. They both thought they were funnnnnnny boys - pointing fingers at me, saying I was acting like I was "high". High! Me! Their mother. Well, that's pretty much all it took. The next thing I know, I'm standing in the closet crying my eyes out because I'm old, ugly, my kids are making fun of me, I'm middle aged, I'm fatter than Jabba, my hair's still gray because that stupid, stupid hairdresser didn't think maintaining a schedule was important enough to get to me at the appointed time....It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. Worse than that, I was being m-e-n-t-a-l. Randey, looking at me like I was a disturbing and possibly hysterical freak, sort of patted me on my head, assured me all was well, explained that the boys thought they were laughing with me, not at me, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Thirty minutes later, I was fine. We finished moving the furniture, got everything together and head to the mall. Things went along just fine until I had to stop and use the restroom. Jacob had to go, too, so we walked all the way down this long, long corridor to where the mall restrooms were hidden. We go into our separate facilities. I did my business, came out and waited for Jacob. And waited. And then waited a little more. Finally, thinking I needed to go get Randey to go into the men's room to make sure Jake was okay, I head back up the long, long corridor to the main part of the mall. And who was standing there, laughing and joking with his dad and his brother? Jacob. Guess he didn't feel the need to wait for dear old Mom. I glared at him and mentioned that I had been down there waiting for him for quite some time. All three of them froze. They looked like deer caught in the headlights! And that's when it hit me! I terrorize these people with my moodiness. That knowledge brought on another round of tearfulness. I shut my mouth and vowed to stop being such a lunatic. Things went along pretty well after that. I think. It's hard to say really. Because I can't remember! Menopause is also causing me to have a memory like a sieve! I can barely retain my own name and address and heck, I may have to start writing that down and pinning it the hem of my shirt soon! I do remember that I spent much of yesterday morning in a wild frenzy of productivity. I cut back some old wilted flowers in the front flower bed, put the new scarecrows out there, made the wreath to go over the fireplace, cleaned off the dining room table, took a nice half hour to "wash that gray right outta my hair" (colored away the gray, okay?) and even took a few pictures to post on my blog. And then Randey left for a trip to Portland, Oregon. A few hours later, I was in a bit of a rage because I couldn't find the epoxy to fix something I'd just broken. That Randey! He'd used it last and I couldn't find it and I was fixing to start throwing things and pulling my hair out when Kaleb, very calmly, says "he put it on top of the fridge". Which is where it belongs, actually. Sure enough, I go check. It's there. Huh. And I thought I'd already looked on top of the fridge. Guess not. Fast forward to this morning...I awaken at the normal time (the boys did not - which resulted in my yelling up the stairs at the top of my lungs because I'm too lazy to stomp up those stairs that early in the morning!). Not a great start to the day, but I've had worse. Things go pretty well after that, they leave for school, I start dusting our bedroom and make the bed and drag the vacuum cleaner out. And the next thing I know, I'm standing there wondering why I'm cleaning. What difference does it make? It's just going to get dusty again. And how come I've been working on eating better the past couple of weeks and my shorts are still tight? I remember I used to be able to drop a couple of pounds like it was nothing. Now I can't get this weight to turn loose of me. I'm huge, I ain't getting smaller ever, ever again so where in the heck is my chocolate when I need it! Whew. That was so much fun. From the vacuum cleaner to chocolate in three easy steps. So let's recap, shall we? In the space of three days I have cried, raged, yelled, stomped, sulked, forgotten most of what I've seen, said and done, played, sobbed, glared, ground my teeth down into mere bumps of worn out enamel, laughed, pouted and terrified my family. And technically speaking, I'm not mental. I'm just menopausal. Uh-huh. I say we look into having this particular time in a woman's life reclassified to more accurately reflect what it actually does to the female mind:
IT MAKES YOU CRAZIER THAN HELL AND WORTHY OF A PADDED ROOM! And by gosh, I want my padded room. And my chocolate. And I want them N-O-W!

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  1. Maybe we could all go cloister under a tent, like "the Red Tent"~ only instead of red, the tent would be Chocolate Brown.~~~~

    You know, that doesn't sound bad, at all! So long as there's chocolate and padding on the tent walls...~

  2. Oh! Kari...
    I've had those days, too! When I break down like is almost unbearable for me to show my face again, even to family! It hasn't happened in a long time...and it never happened for very long...but I remember something similar to the laughing incident between your two boys...but w/me it was hubbin and son...and quite really hurt my sensitive during the ole "pause"...normally I would have been spouting little "jabs" at them instead of trying to deflect them with tears and a ducked head! Oh!! I'm sure they both thought I was mental...but they do tend to tread lightly with particular subjects these golly I may have terrorized them, too...but I think I'm not going to worry about it...cos Lord knows they don't!

    I almost fell over laughing with the whole memory thing...and pinning your name to your shirt tail! And the gaining of weight...I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I have always battled my weight...but it was the opposite of what most people have had to do...I was always a bit on the skinny side...not too popular of a thing when I was growing it's the IT way to be!! Go figure...I've never gotten style I seem to have developed a pudge in the gut...where the heck did that come from?? It WAS NOT there last month...and my hips...oh achilles pear shaped butt...well, I guess it could be worse...I could be shaped like the titanic...with only doom to look forward to...but excercise and eating right hasn't really been getting the results I would like it to either...but I'll keep plugging away...after I get off my pear shaped butt...from you think too much time at the computer blogging has contributed to my daily portion of fruit on the ole arse??? Surely that couldn't happen...that would just be cruel beyond is one of my mental reliefs of the day.

    Guess we'll need to re-name our mental-pause!!

    Blessings...and hang in there? Remember to put the glue back on top of the fridge!! lol


  3. A room padded with chocolate would be for me. By the time I eat my way out of it, menopause should be over and by then I wouldn't care about any extra weight gain (as chocolate is dripping from my mouth and stuck under my fingernails - who cares about weight?)

  4. Oh no! I say keep chocolate on hand at all times.......and lots of it.

    Randy went to Portland? That's by me!

    Sorry about winning the purse.......that brightened your day didn't it? :)

  5. As Mrs. Threadgood told Evelyn...You just need some hormones, honey!

    No, I think I read someplace that back in the day...women our age were placed in mental facilities because there was not a name for menopause then...

    Sad ain't it?

    I hope your day is better today!

  6. Gimme the chocolate and no one gets hurt!!!! hehe Oh boy, I soooo know what you moodiness sometimes drives ME crazy. Oops, there I said it...crazy...yup, as in mental. Move over, you gotta share that padded room! My sons don't know how lucky they are that they no longer live at home, that they moved out before I even started menopause. I wonder if they knew what was coming? *shrugs* I find every little thing bothers me lately and I cry at the drop of a pin...tell me, was God playing a joke on us women when He invented menopause????? lol xoxo

  7. Well Kari,
    Whatever the range and intensity of your moods, and however faulty the memory at times, you are facile with words.

    If I am any example, men too go through similar things. My two boys are grown and have families of their own, and often act as though they are "blocks off the old chip." They are independent, clever, strong in debate, imaginative and innovative. I really don't know where I went wrong...

    Once, at a concert many years ago which I attended with my mother, I had occasion to see my sister for the first time in perhaps fifteen years. Unfortunately, I was in the social position of making introductions, but was unable to come up with my sister's name, she having been married several times, once to a middle eastern fellow whose name I could not pronounce.

    But her first name had not changed and I suddenly found myself not even able to remember that either. Rather embarrassing.

    And regardless of what the males in your family might suggest, mood upheavals are not confined to women coping with the hormonal upsets of the change of life.

    But I sure think you need to keep up the writing.

  8. Oh my...LOL...that sounds like me last week. You know, I've been going to the weight lose doctor for the last 3 weeks now. Well today my friend and I find out that the hormone shot with the B-12 has been making us all kinds of moody, grouchy and down right ugly...LOL So yeah, we opted to just the B-12 now.

    Chocolate....I'd love to have some right about now. Got some low cal kind for me????

  9. You know Dove makes the most excellent sugar free chocolate...oh, it is so yummy and I never feel guilty when I eat the entire bag, by myself. I don't have crying fits or anything. You should get some. Eat a bag. You'll feel fullfilled. And then some. When you feel like crying, just pop a dove sugar free caramel cream in your face till you feel better. When the boys are trying to act like men, remind them just who is the child and who is the adult and then pop another chocolate. When you forget how to spell chocloalt, grab a bag and look at the front carefully...c h o c o l a t e and pop another one. Remember, sugar free. Not Mommy magic, SUGAR FREE! There now, baby, feel better?

  10. I was reading what I wrote and noticed I had Badly Mispelled CHOCOLATE and so went to my secret hiding place and grabbed the bag so I could be reminded of how to spell...there, I feel so much better now.

  11. Chocolate...did you mention chocolate?

    Girl....if what you described is mental, then they should be coming to take me away...real soon. It's crazy (get it?) how often days like you described are happening around here. I can feel myself being unreasonable, but hey, I don't care. Just move out of my way. Leave me alone. 5 minutes later, I'm fine.

    And the weight....let's not go there.

    Hang in there!


  12. Yep, that's it in a nutshell. I find the rage part particularly lovely in myself. In less than a fraction of a second I go from a normal person to a raging maniac! The fear factor of relatives is somewhat upsetting but they really hop to and don't argue much!

  13. Kari, I get really bad PMS so even though I'm not experiencing this 'yet', I'm sure I will in the future!! I get totally irrational, stroppy and teary and take it out on Tom mainly and my poor class sometimes get it in the neck too! So don't feel bad-we can't help it-but chocolate totally helps to alleviate the symptoms! And that's been medically proven too (somewhere lol!!!)xx

  14. Hmmm... about every three months I have a bout of PMS that sounds JUST LIKE THIS. I hate hormones, I hate the way my husband hides from me (who could blame him), I hate the way the little 'sane' me is still in there, pleading with the 'crazy' me to calm down and cut it out. It's a miracle that women survive at all, with all the hormones that flux in and out of our lives.

  15. Loved this!
    I`ve had those days too! But those hot flashes when they decide to visit. Woooweeeee. I know a woman who is 62 and still gets them!



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