Duh-Filled Questions

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time to say hello, good-bye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late...

Sorry all you Menopausal Wild Women! I wasn't able to do my post yesterday, due to family obligations (that sounds so flippin' serious, doesn't it?). My dad and step-mother have been visiting since Friday afternoon. They had to head back to Oklahoma this morning. And my sister and her husband have been visiting from Florida since Saturday (they'll be here until this Sunday). Anywho, they have requested that I focus on them during this time instead of my blog (yeah, how inconsiderate is that?) but they are now watching a movie so I'm grabbing my chance while I can. So, since time is apparently of the essence (the movie only last 90 minutes you know!), let's get started...

The other day, Randey and I were discussing his lack of tender loving care towards moi. Okay, so I was discussing it and Randey was standing there with his eyes wide and frightened and generally acting like a deer caught in the headlights. He can be such a goob and I am so sick and tired of seeing that look on his face, you just have no idea! At any rate, there I was, explaining to him with great care and patience and yeah, maybe a little too much volume, that I required much love and assistance with this trying time in my life (i.e, this menopausal hell I find myself in). In the middle of my ...rant, for lack of a better word, Randey speaks up (like that was asked for) and said "Well what the hell is that anyway? What is menopause? I don't even know what that means! How long does it last? What's the next step?". Hello!!! Do I look like freakin' Dr. Phil? Or even Dr. Ruth? (Uh, excuse me, those questions are what we call "rhetorical" and therefore, do not require an answer, thankyouverymuch). However. The fact that he had the unmitigated gall to ask me required that I give him some sort of answers. Unfortunately for my know-it-all-attitude, I was quite unable to produce intelligent sounding answers on such short notice. Oh shut up. You probably would have choked, too. Wouldn't you have? Say yes so we can move on with my dignity in tact. Good. Thank you. Moving on....

So for those of us out there who weren't sure of the difference between being "menopausal" and being "peri-menopausal", listen up. The difference is this; Menopause actually begins when your periods stop. Peri-menopause is what a women experiences prior to menopause. And while peri-menopause is the time when you experience all those wonderful symptoms we've discussed in the past, those symptoms can actually continue to occur for many, many years after the cessation of your period. Exciting stuff, huh? And, just when you thought it was safe to call yourself human again, let me share this little tidbit with you....no one can tell just how long peri-menopausal symptoms will last. It varies widely from woman to woman. Yippee! And the next step? Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha. (I'm laughing hysterically.) Next step, indeed. Let me clarify this point for the uninitiated...peri-menopausal symptoms don't really come in steps. They just happen. One at a time. Or all at the same time. There's no rules. There's no rhyme. There's no reason (other than a woman's body up and decides that her birthing years are coming to an end).

So, to summarize today's lesson, ladies, let me break it down for you like this: Menopause, peri-menopause...call it what you like. Doesn't change these facts. It ain't pleasant. It ain't quick. And it ain't easy. And when your husband asks for "clarification" about all that you're trying to share with him, just remember this: A man is just as capable of doing internet research as you are. And if he really, really cares about you...he won't waste your time asking goofy, duh-filled questions when he can find the answers himself and it's obvious that you have much better things to be spending your time on. Things like timing your hot flashes and watching your weight climb at the rate of about 16 pounds per split second and recording your mood swings on a bar graph just because you like the look of a giant zig-zag and wadding up all the kleenex you've gone through while crying because your husband isn't as sensitive and loving as perhaps he should be and etc., etc., etc....