Monday, June 8, 2009

A Memory Lost

The other day, when Randey broke out my big camera to take to Kaleb's graduation, we checked the memory card to make sure it was empty which, as it turns out, it wasn't. I stuck the card in the computer and started a quick download and, as the pictures flashed up on the screen, I realized something kind of disturbing. First I saw pictures like this:(That's my daughter-in-law Jodie, my youngest granddaughter Kara, my oldest son Nick and my oldest granddaughter Maddy)

And this:

And this:

Hey awesome! Here was two of our granddaughters, dying Easter eggs at our house. My first thought was "Wow! Sure wish they'd told me they were dying eggs that day! That would have been fun to help with."

And then I saw this picture:

That's me in the pink. I was there when they were dying eggs. And I don't remember any of it. (No, there was no medication involved either. Although that would sure help me to explain my lack of memory for this.) I guess Easter came the weekend after our family's tragedy and I was too involved in that to let much else soak in. I'm embarrassed and somewhat ashamed to know that I "missed" this event, even though I was right there. It was Kara's first Easter, too! Nick, Jodie and Kara all flew home from Okinawa to be with Desiree' (talk about great kids - just knowing how they did that to support Des brings tears to my eyes!) and I managed to blank out a large part of their visit. Want to know what's even worse than that? Kara's first birthday was April 17th. I think they flew back to Okinawa a couple of days before (?) but, in looking back, I don't think we even made an attempt to celebrate her birthday while she was here. Through the horrible loss of Russell, we were given a chance to make memories with our youngest granddaughter that we wouldn't have been able to make otherwise and we didn't take advantage of that. I mean, I get how I could have been so focused on Desiree' and getting her through that awful time, but I don't get how I could have let so many other family members and their events slip through the cracks. What kind of mother/grandmother am I that I was so unable to handle more than one thing at a time? Knowing that I have absolutely no memory of these things is weighing heavily on me. I'm feeling inadequate and definitely lacking in matters of the maternal heart. I am so sorry Nick, Jodie, Kara and Maddy for my failure to handle things well. I don't even want to think about what else I might have missed because of my apparent tunnel vision. I'm actually still reeling with this knowledge that I missed so much. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen proof with my own eyes in these pictures.
One thing I didn't miss that week (although I kind of wish I had been able to blank this one out!) was this:
The Friday(?) after Russell was lost, Jacob (my youngest son) got in a wreck driving his girlfriend home. When Randey came and told me about the wreck (Jake called Randey's cell phone with the news), my heart stopped beating and I thought my chest was going to explode. Luckily, thankfully and blessedly, Jake and his girlfriend weren't hurt in the wreck (nor was anyone else) but it seemed like an eternity passed before Randey was able to say those words to me. It was like he was speaking in slow motion or something. All I heard was "Jake's been in a wreck" and that was it...time stopped moving. Thank God that the wreck was minor and all was well. Of course, I think that incident may have added to my paranoia about something happening with my kids. And that paranoia is what I've been battling every single day since then. Unfortunately, I've neglected those that I worry the most about because I've struggled so to deal with everything. Note to self: GET STRONGER. NOW. Moms are supposed to be the "rock" of the family, aren't they? I'm fairly certain I failed this particular test, but I'm determined to do better. One way or another.
On a better note, here's a picture of Maddy, Kara and Nick from the little Easter egg hunt that they did in the front yard. (I do recall some of this...not enough, but some.)
Maddy will be coming here to visit us for 3 or 4 weeks starting next month - I'm looking forward to seeing her and making some wonderful new memories. If I blank any of this visit out, I guess we'll know it's mental and not stress that causes me to be so forgetful, eh? (Maybe I should take notes, just in case....)


  1. Hello!! I have done the exact same thing with no apparent reasons for doing so. Do you think we just get so much stored up there that something just gets misfiled??

    I am glad your son's car wreck was small (is there such a thing?) and that all is well. Scary stuff.

  2. I'm so sorry that you went into auto-pilot and missed the event, but you have to give yourself a break. I can't imagine ANY one that would've been able to pull off that kind of feat (celebrate when your heart is breaking). Glad Jacob is ok!

  3. Dear Kari:
    You dear, sweet, beautiful lady! How wonderful that God preserved those memories for you when you were ready! Shock and grief affect us in powerful ways, and that, too, is a gift from Him.
    Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You have been through a LOT! and healing takes time - allow yourself that, and enjoy the good moments in your life, and soak up the love that surrounds you, because you are loved!
    - Cyndy

  4. Don't be too hard on yourself sweet friend. We all handle grief in different ways. I'm so glad you found the photos though.


  5. Totally understandable when there is so much on your mind. At least you were able to see these photos and I am so glad your son was not hurt. It does make your heart stop. Hope you are doing well Kari!

  6. our mind has its own survival key don't you think??

  7. Hi Kari,
    Like Kat said - don't be too hard on yourself! It's understandable under such circumstances.
    Hope you have a wonderful week my friend! Have ya'll decided to move to Warner Robins yet? hehehe

  8. Awww, Kari, you're so tough on yourself. I love that the memory was preserved even if you don't remember it so well right now. I'm wondering if the memory itself will return with time. Take good care and thank you for your sweet message to me recently as well.

  9. You are so hard on yourself. All moms are not perfect. You were just on auto trying to do what you needed to at that time.
    Take care!


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