Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Following Post is...Disturbing. Or it Shows that I'M Disturbing. Or Maybe Just Disturbed. It's Hard to Tell. YOU Be the Judge.
Yep. That's me. Dufus. You can call me Dufe for short. And let me tell you why....I went to Ross's today, looking for some fall decorations because, as I believe we've all decided here in Blogland, September 1st is an acceptable - nay even a preferable - date to begin autumn decorating and my supply of cool (no pun intended) fall do-dads is woefully sparse. So...I go to Ross's and, lucky me, I see what I'm looking for right when I step inside their door. All kinds of Halloween and fall stuff. Not wanting to look like a total fruit basket, I bypassed the Halloween things and went on over to fall. Oh come on. Halloween? Now??? Christmas on September 1st? Yeah, okay. Halloween? You'd be crazy to even try. (And why does that actually make sense to me? I'm somewhat disturbed that it does. Now stop it. We don't need any "Kari is disturbed" comments just yet. You'll have an even better reason for saying it by the time we get to the end of this tale.) Okay, moving on. I stepped over to the last aisle that featured the aforementioned fall decorations. I picked up a few things. Ooooohhh'd and Aaaaaah'd over a few others. Picked up a huge cornucopia. Saw the price. Put it down. Picked up, oh I don't know...something. I can't even remember what it was. It contained dried flowers, I do remember that much. As I picked up this item, I apparently flipped it over to see the other side. At about the same time, I glanced down at my shirt. Eeeeeck! And I do mean EEEEECK! A spider. A spider sitting on my left breast. I. Damn. Near. Fainted. (Pardon the cursing, I beg you). The world started spinning, I tried to scream, but nothing came out...it was awful. Then I took action. I proceeded to beat my chest with my right arm, as hard as I could. I looked like a one armed Tarzan in heat. I started jumping up and down. I saw something fly off of me, but didn't see where it went. That's when it occurred to me that it might have landed on my head. In my hair. I started shaking my head and rubbing my hair like a madwoman. And I still couldn't scream. I hopped, I slapped, I whimpered, I shook...all the while looking for this horrific creature that had dared to sit upon my bosom. I never did see it. Of course, I was traumatized beyond words. My skin was flushed, I was freaking out, it felt like things were crawling all over me. Yick. Awful. Just awful. So anywho, I twitched and twaddled my way over to a full length mirror on the other side of the store, spun around in front of it a few dozen times, bent over, shook my hair, patted my body down like I was a cop at central booking ...nothing. No spider. Whew. I spent the next 30 minutes perfecting my twitch and trying to think of happier things. And then a stray thought flitted through my mind. I thought, "Hmmmmmm. I don't know that I've ever seen a pumpkin orange and chocolate brown spider before. Was that a spider?" Okay. So here's the thing. When I glanced down and saw that "thing" on my chest, I flipped out pretty quickly. The slapping and shaking started almost immediately, although it felt like I was moving through molasses. But, upon further reflection, I've come to the conclusion that I was beating the T-total fool out of myself over a piece of dried flower that had fallen off "the object" and unto my chest. See? Told you there'd be a better reason to call me "disturbed". Thank God everyone was either too scared or too polite to approach me during my Tarzan moment. I might have had to do my future blogging from the looney bin. And wouldn't that be...uuuhh, what's the word? oh yeah...disturbing.