Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Following Post is...Disturbing. Or it Shows that I'M Disturbing. Or Maybe Just Disturbed. It's Hard to Tell. YOU Be the Judge. - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more

Yep. That's me. Dufus. You can call me Dufe for short. And let me tell you why....I went to Ross's today, looking for some fall decorations because, as I believe we've all decided here in Blogland, September 1st is an acceptable - nay even a preferable - date to begin autumn decorating and my supply of cool (no pun intended) fall do-dads is woefully sparse. So...I go to Ross's and, lucky me, I see what I'm looking for right when I step inside their door. All kinds of Halloween and fall stuff. Not wanting to look like a total fruit basket, I bypassed the Halloween things and went on over to fall. Oh come on. Halloween? Now??? Christmas on September 1st? Yeah, okay. Halloween? You'd be crazy to even try. (And why does that actually make sense to me? I'm somewhat disturbed that it does. Now stop it. We don't need any "Kari is disturbed" comments just yet. You'll have an even better reason for saying it by the time we get to the end of this tale.) Okay, moving on. I stepped over to the last aisle that featured the aforementioned fall decorations. I picked up a few things. Ooooohhh'd and Aaaaaah'd over a few others. Picked up a huge cornucopia. Saw the price. Put it down. Picked up, oh I don't know...something. I can't even remember what it was. It contained dried flowers, I do remember that much. As I picked up this item, I apparently flipped it over to see the other side. At about the same time, I glanced down at my shirt. Eeeeeck! And I do mean EEEEECK! A spider. A spider sitting on my left breast. I. Damn. Near. Fainted. (Pardon the cursing, I beg you). The world started spinning, I tried to scream, but nothing came was awful. Then I took action. I proceeded to beat my chest with my right arm, as hard as I could. I looked like a one armed Tarzan in heat. I started jumping up and down. I saw something fly off of me, but didn't see where it went. That's when it occurred to me that it might have landed on my head. In my hair. I started shaking my head and rubbing my hair like a madwoman. And I still couldn't scream. I hopped, I slapped, I whimpered, I shook...all the while looking for this horrific creature that had dared to sit upon my bosom. I never did see it. Of course, I was traumatized beyond words. My skin was flushed, I was freaking out, it felt like things were crawling all over me. Yick. Awful. Just awful. So anywho, I twitched and twaddled my way over to a full length mirror on the other side of the store, spun around in front of it a few dozen times, bent over, shook my hair, patted my body down like I was a cop at central booking ...nothing. No spider. Whew. I spent the next 30 minutes perfecting my twitch and trying to think of happier things. And then a stray thought flitted through my mind. I thought, "Hmmmmmm. I don't know that I've ever seen a pumpkin orange and chocolate brown spider before. Was that a spider?" Okay. So here's the thing. When I glanced down and saw that "thing" on my chest, I flipped out pretty quickly. The slapping and shaking started almost immediately, although it felt like I was moving through molasses. But, upon further reflection, I've come to the conclusion that I was beating the T-total fool out of myself over a piece of dried flower that had fallen off "the object" and unto my chest. See? Told you there'd be a better reason to call me "disturbed". Thank God everyone was either too scared or too polite to approach me during my Tarzan moment. I might have had to do my future blogging from the looney bin. And wouldn't that be...uuuhh, what's the word? oh yeah...disturbing.


  1. Kari, this made me laugh so much that Tom has just called me from the bathroom to ask what is making me laugh so much! I would have done exactly the same thing as you. In fact, I would still be too traumatized to write about it yet lol!!! This has to be a chapter in the 'book'...

  2. I HAVE THE PERFECT AWARD for you!!!! Come over to my blog & snatch the FEW FRIES short award.

    What a hoot.....I'm not afraid of spiders at all.

    Seriously, this is an award that you give yourself.....come & get it.

  3. Kari! You're a riot! Thanks for the laugh...It sounds like something I would do.

    Thanks for visiting me at

    You all're welcome to visit any ole time.

    PS I think I figured out about the heat might not be that the weather is cold here as much as I am (seriously!) hypothyroid. Not unusual for me (due to my synthroid), but it is funny that I was outside today in 90 degree weather with a sweat jacket on thinking it felt good!!!! Somebody, stop me!!!

  4. OMG Kari I have laughed until black makeup is running down my face. You are a NUT! Kaytlynn and I would love for you to shop with us then i wouldn't be the biggest guff in the store hehe!
    luv ya girl

  5. Hi Kari,
    I just found your blog and I can tell it's going to be a whole lot of fun!! I, too, am a holiday nut and I love Christmas whole-heartedly. However, I am also a halloween fanatic and am counting down the days till it is acceptable to drag out my 12 or more rubbermaids full of halloween decor!! I'll be watching your blog in anticipation of the great holidays ahead!!


  6. Hi Kari,
    Oh what a funny mental picture I had of you jumping up and down like a mad's exactly what I would have done. LOL
    Not long now until Halloween,I don't think we make so much of it over here so I am looking forward to seeing your photos.
    Your CD is on it's way,hope it arrives safely,
    Best Wishes Kat x

  7. Kari,
    This was too funny and the thing is I can completely understand where you are coming from. You will have to post some pictures when you get your autumn decorating done. I'm just going to plant a few mums to replace the flowers I killed this summer.

  8. Now that you know about your totally irrational fear of dried flowers pleas stay faraway from them! Does this fearinclude flowers drying on the vine because fall and winter are coming and they will be everywhere in TX. Will you even be able to leave your house teehee:> couldn't resist.

  9. Oh Kari - my face is aching from laughing so much! At least you weren't driving when you looked down at your chest! We don't do Halloween here and it has never really appealed to me but I sure will be looking to see what YOU do with it!

  10. LOL! I am laughing so hard I am crying! That really made my night...sorry at your expense. Are you ok? LOL...LOL! Sorry...ok,ok I am composing myself...I would have fainted too!

  11. Hi Kari! Found you through Rabbit Run Cottage's blog which I found through Jolene's blog. But my stupid "bookmark this page" thingy isn't at the top of the page! I'm a bit technologically challenged. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE VISIT MY (boring!) BLOG AND LEAVE A COMMENT SO THAT I CAN FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU!!! I don't know how to find my way back with out the "bookmark" thingy and your blog is WAY THE HECK AWESOME.
    I have a spider story for you too. Lived in a ranch hand's house in an Orange Grove, woke up and walked into the ANCIENT bathroom with the clawfooted tub in my thick blue robe, glanced at myself in the mirror, ... DOUBLE TAKE! SPIDER ON MY LEFT BREAST! It IS a conspiracy! A left breast conspiracy!!! It was HUGE and BROWN and HAIRY and what am I s'posed to smack it off with?!? NOT MY HAND! What if it crawls into my cleavage?!?!? ... OK OK!!! THE HAND THE HAND! SMACK SMACK SMACK! What if it bites me on the hand!?!?!? AAArrrrghhhh! I can't make any noise either! And who would save me if I did?!? TError!
    See? It's the same floral spider you had ... but mine really WAS a spider.
    I couldn't find the body anywhere ... not even when I showered! But at least now I know where it went! 20 years later it went to Texas. ha. Now we know how long it takes a spider to walk from Orange County Calif to Texas. ha!
    Oh ... and think of it this way: It is ALWAYS allowable to shop for any season 3 months before it begins. That's when the stuff is on sale at Big Lots! If you don't get it early you'll miss the really GOOD selections!
    And guess what? I leave my Christmas village up ALL THE WAY THROUGH MAY!!! Yes I do! And I MOURN when I have to take the airblown inflatables off the roof. I love those guys!
    OK. Visit my blog! I want to come back and leave more ridiculously long comments on your blog.

  12. Okay Sweetpea, I've just hung a sign over your "Do Not Disturb"'s the "too late" sign
    Aunt Sandi

  13. Arachniphobia! Or is it dried floweraphobia...anyway...sounds like you are in full SWING of halloween!

  14. OH NO...Kari, this was stinkin hilarious!!!! You made me smile this moring!!!!

    As for your Oklahoma comment on my blog!! (smile!)... Yes, I am a native Texan so Alabama has my undivided attention as my #1 football team (I graduated from there and have lived here now so long that I have been thoroughly indoctrinated), BUT the Longhorns are my #2. Sorry!!!!! Growing up I was a big Horns fan so I pretty much hated Oklahoma!!
    (But in your defense...when Bama played Oklahoma several years back as our season opener, I only heard GREAT things about the Okla fans. People who went out there for the games said that the Okla fans were the nicest they'd met!!)
    Maybe we will all do great this year! I heard that you guys might have a pretty good season!!

  15. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! That was great!

  16. Thanks for the laugh!!! Looks like we have something in common..... Last weekend while DH and I were lookikng at BBQ's outside the front door at Lowes a big ass June bug flew into my face!!! I preceeded to beat myself in the face begging DH to get it off me while screaming like I was being murdered!!!! When I got done I noticed a whole lot of people standing around starring at me while my husband practically passed out from laughing so hard!!! Good thing it wasn't a spider or I probably would have dropped over dead ;o)

  17. Kari, the visual images I was receiving while reading this were enough to make me dizzy with glee. If you're disturbed then I'm right there beside you, my friend!

    Thanks so much for a great and wonderful laugh, this morning!!


  18. I love your favorite Christmas Movie List. I would have to add" The Little Shop Around the Corner" with Jimmy Stewart..

    You have a neat blog.

  19. Ok everyone is laughing and I need to laugh so thank you so much for this post! Deeply!

  20. After hearing about your award, I had to stop by to congratulate you. You deserve it! I mean, well, hi it is nice to meet you! Glad to know someone else has embarrassing moments in public places. I just don't usually write about mine. But it was fun to read about yours! Really! You are OK, I found lots of things to like about you!
    Thanks for sharing, I have enjoyed my visit and shall return! :-)

  21. I am laughing so hard it is difficult to type!

    But seriously - please share some of that creativity with me. I just don't decorate for anything save putting up a tree and a few ornaments at Christmas. I literally go into a panic mode in the craft section at Wal-Mart. I looked at some fall items the other day and had to breathe into a paper sack because I couldn't picture how all those things would work together for a decoration (OK - paper sack is exaggerating a bit too much). Long story short - everything in my house is staying as it is until we get the tree sometime after thanksgiving. My children are so deprived.

  22. Hey there ya doin'? Any bruises? I am giggling so loud that the dog and cats have circled me and one is attempting to call 911. If he succeeds than I can get onto David Letterman's Pet Tricks...oh dang. Looks like he gave up. Okay you guys! What if I was really having a seizure or some other life threatening thing! One of you has to learn to use a phone! Ungrateful Where was I? Oh yeah. The spider that wasn't a spider.
    I have so been there. It was all written up in the local papers. Okay, so it wasn't really but if it HAD been, it would have read, "Hysterical Woman Beats Self To Near Death In Local Mc Donald's Parking Lot"

    Oh yeah, and in front of a tour bus full of Senior Citizens. Sad really.

    You are one of the best things I know...I just adore you!

    And I see that Wendster found her way here...give her a visit. She is a hoot! You guys will love one another!

    I find that I visit you both just to jump start my morning each day!

    Thanks for the I am off to teach these lazy pets how to use a telephone. That whole "no opposable thumb" excise is getting old.


  23. oh thank you for the laugh today :) Although I do understand the feeling of finding some type of bug on you and when you swat it away you just don't know where it went and it could still be somewhere on your body - ugh. I hate that feeling!

  24. Thank you Kari for the prayers. I just talked to Rian as I was reading your post. He leaves coming back to the states Sept.7th.He is coming to stay with me in Oct. he loves fall. He is a courdon blue chef. We had a bakery here and it was destroyed by Katrina. There was so much debt he went to the AF. Im proud of him,but sure miss him. He is like his mom in a guys body lol. He loves decorating/flea markets/cooking. Our dream was to always open and B&B together. Just pray for us because I do feel so empty without him. Thanks so much. You have been a friend foraway that id love to have near.

  25. Hey Kari, Thanks for stopping by my blog to let me know I had won the contest at Des's I have not been able to lurk as much as I'd like so I probably would not have known for a while. I laughed so hard at this post. I could so see myself reacting the same way.:)

  26. You are too funny. You know whoever watched that on the surveillance camera was dying laughing.

  27. I actually snickered out loud at work!!!! If you get me fired, I'm NEVER going to laugh at one of your posts, again!

  28. ROTFL! Hehehehehahaha!

    I can just see you in action! That would be my daughter - she hates spiders so I'm the Super-Squish-Spider-Mum whenever she sees one - funny how I'm always the one that has to catch the spider/mouse/bug/whatever while Dh just happily ignores all the fuss.

    Oh & *YAY* we're on the Christmas countdown!

  29. Dear Kari, That has happened to me too. You just catch a glimpse and freak out. I had a great chuckle! Thanks! Stephanie

  30. Kari-what were you thinking!! Don't let me down by becoming a whizz in the kitchen! Thought you were on my side lol!!! After all, you may come across another spider (not unless you rescued my old oven...) I recommend buying the cookies-that's a great plan and gives you far more time to blog-sorry I meant do the housework!!!!!

  31. Kari

    I'm "catching up" on my blog reading today after being out of town. OH MY WORD...I truly was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face!!!!! You're too funny. But, let me tell you...if it had happened to me, I would have done the same exact same things you did except I would have had to change my pants afterwards too. It's good to be back.


  32. Kat recommended I come take a look at your blog! Oh my gosh! Almost peed my pants. I HATE SPIDERS. Every day I say to anyone listening, I hate spiders. Often in my prayers I ask God what He was thinking when He created bugs. Oddly He never answers.


  33. Hi, My name is TaunaLen, and I'm a anything-resembling-a-spider-slapping-weird-noise-making-self-injuring-arachnaphobic-duphus-making a fool of myself in public...

    (Room echoes with voices saying "Hi, TaunaLen".)

    Been there done that, and I'm about 21 days into my recovery program. I'm on step 3, something about writing down all my spider trauma episodes.

    Ain't gonna happen.

    You can bet that as I pull all my fall decor out of the attic storage I'll do at least one, or three "OMG there's a spider crawling on me" dances in my own living room. And if I'm really lucky, I'll get in a couple at Wal-Mart in the Seasonal aisle.

    Loved reading this!


  34. I am visiting you too via Kat. So glad I did as I just laughed out loud! Very entertaining. Stop by sometime.


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