Tuesday, May 5, 2009

It's been a month to the day

since our daughter's life was forever changed by tragedy. Russell's been gone for a full month now and what a dark and sad month it's been. I still don't know how Desiree' is holding up as well as she is - she's so much stronger than I ever gave her credit for. She put together the most poignant, beautiful and yet bittersweet service for Russ's final farewell. Back when they were planning their wedding ceremony, he had chosen the Aerosmith song "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" as the song for their first dance. Des actually gave him some resistance on that - she thought it was too "rock" for the occasion, but she eventually gave in, knowing it would mean a lot to him. As you all know, Russell and Des never got that first dance, but Des played the song for him anyway - at his funeral. She read aloud a heartbreakingly tender letter to him and then placed his wedding ring on his finger as his song played. Anyone who is a parent knows just how crushingly debilitating it is to see your child in pain. I didn't know if Randey or I would survive seeing our daughter hurting so much that day. As she laid her head on Russell's chest and told him goodbye, I thought my heart would surely break just seeing how horribly broken her heart was. I would give anything in the world if I could keep any of my children from ever feeling that kind of loss and sorrow again. It's just too much to see when there's nothing you can do to help. I couldn't help to take away my son Nicholas's and his wife Jodie's pain when they lost their son, Conner and I couldn't help take away Desiree's pain when she lost her Russell. God, how I wish I could have, though.
Thank you to everyone who left comments of sympathy and condolence on my last post. It was a comfort to see those words and know that there were people out there who cared. And thank you especially to Joan and Cassie for the cards you sent. You'll never know the comfort you gave with those gestures. Life here will never be the same, but we're doing what we can to move forward. Desiree' has moved back home with us. We've packed up her belongings and put them in storage for now, until she can decide what she wants to do. She's returned to work and is doing her best to get through each day as it comes. Some days are better than others. Some days the pain just seems to hit her square in the face and other days you can just see her lowering her head and plowing through the hours with sheer determination, as if to ward off the hurt with willpower alone. God bless this child of mine and whatever it is He has instilled in her that's enabling her to be so strong, I'm thankful for it. Her strength seems to give us strength. And I'm thankful that so many of you have lent your strength to her - believe me, it has surely helped. Thank you.

20 comments:

  1. Kari, thanks for checking in. Your Desiree and everyone who love her continue to be in my prayers.

    Mary

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  2. Still praying...grieving is a tough road. God bless you all and thanks most especially for checking in, Kari.

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  3. What a beautiful post Kari you are such a dear person. our pain for our children almost seems worse than our pain for ourselves. a mothers love is soo deep. I wish you peace and comfort and lots of hugs

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  4. You all are in my prayers. Your daughter sounds like a strong woman much stronger than I would be. I am glad you checked in with all of us, we're here for you if you need us.

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  5. Kari,thank you for the update.grief is easier to deal with when shared.you and your family are in my prayers.{{{hugs}}}

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  6. Hi sweet friend! You were strongly in my thoughts earlier today and I planned to look for your phone number when I got home to call and see how you, Desiree', and your entire family are doing. I was thrilled to see a new update. It's hard to even imagine what you've all gone through...much less, actually living it! I pray each day will be easier.

    Hugs!
    Kat

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  7. Kari, you have all been in my thoughts and prayers so often. Please know I will continue to think of you and pray for you during this difficult loss.

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  8. Kari, this was so beautifuly written. It brought tears to my eyes as I can feel your ache and pain for your daughter. I'm so very sorry for your family and their tremendous loss.
    Robin

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  9. This is a wonderful post you've written. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. God Bless.

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  10. Just saw these two posts Kari and I just want to tell you how very sorry I am for your daughter's loss.

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  12. Kari,

    I wanted to say that I've been thinking an awful lot about your daughter, as well as all of you. Our prayers are with you.

    (and I see you got spammed too--big jerk, such a beautiful post and then you have that hit your comments).

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  13. Oh Kari!!! I'm so sorry! Just got all caught up and I read such bad news.

    It makes me grateful that the ONLY bad news we have is that we are both unemployed and losing our home after a two year battle to keep it. Court is rough.

    But, we move forward ... you move forward, I move forward ... and we look fabulous doing it! I'm talking about YOU and how skinny you look! wow! you look amazing! I'll have to read back farther to find out how you are doing it!!!

    I sent you a blog invitation when I took my blog private. I hope you got it. If you need another one please email me at WendyOhW@yahoo dot com.

    Hugs hugs hugs and Happy Mother's Day!

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  14. I've kept Desiree and all of you in my thoughts and prayers, Kari and continue to.

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  15. If only we could live the hurts for our children, but this is monumental. Perhaps someday she could begin a foundation in his name for accident victims or ??so that his legacy and her love live on interminably..sandy

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  16. My heart breaks for you all...
    love
    Aunt Sandi

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  17. Oh Kari....
    I'm so sorry to see that it's been so long since I've been by your blog, and that then I was greeted by this sad, sad news. I am just overwhelmed by how tragic this is, especially so soon to their wedding day.

    I'm praying that your daughter is slowly doing better, and am praying that you are being the support she needs. I know you are...

    She already sounds like she is being a source of strength to you.

    {hugs and prayers during this time in your daughter's life}

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  18. Thank you for sharing that Kari. It was so touching. I know you are so proud of her...but you know what? she sounds a lot like her Momma!

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  19. Kari,
    Such a touching post...I know how badly you hurt for your daughter and how hard this has to be for all of you. Please, know that I will continue to keep you all in my prayers...there hasn't been a day go by since I learned of the news that I haven't thought of you and Des. I know she is strong...b/c her mother is exactly the same way.

    Love and Hugs to all of you...and remember I'm a phone call away...if you need ANYTHING...

    Blessings...
    Teresa

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