Mine isn't a "feature", but this one apparently is....

I was doing a little shopping on Amazon.com the other day, checking nightstand styles for our bedroom. I found one that I sort of liked the looks of, so I investigated further to ascertain its attributes. Here's what Amazon told me about it: Ass? Since when is an ass a feature? Is it giving me a new ass? That might be a good selling point. I mean if they listed me, personally, on Amazon, I'm pretty sure my ass wouldn't make the list of "Kari's Features". But this ass did make it onto a list so it must be special, right? But exactly what kind of ass are we talking about here? A jackass? A big ass? A smart ass? The dreaded...dumbass? This nightstand actually features an ass like it's a good thing so you'd think it'd be an ass worth having, but isn't the likability of an ass a personal preference? Amazon may think it's a perfectly fine ass, but I might hate it when it arrives. And let's face it, if you could return an ass "to sender", wouldn't a lot of us have already sent our gluteus maximus-es back to Ben & Jerry's or McDonald's or Taco Bell or where ever it is we got them from in the first place? No, no, no....take it from me if you haven't already learned it yourself, an ass is just too hard to get rid of. Better to work on the one you've got than to risk getting a worse one. So yeah, I passed on that particular nightstand.
But just wait'll you see what I did pick out (although not from Amazon - didn't want them slipping me a little something extra into my package, if you know what I mean)! The nightstands I got are slim and trim and by all appearances, completely ass-free. Pictures will follow upon their arrival.

P.S. I am so sorry for this post. Even as I write it, I know I shouldn't. I'm punch drunk from painting our bedroom all afternoon. I think I've inhaled too many fumes. Yeah. That's the excuse I'm sticking with...